I feel like everything that has happened over the last few months have led me to where I am at this very moment and I am fine with that. I am in a good place. Mentally, I’ve been learning the true meaning of calm. Physically, I’ve been learning my limitations. I’ve been learning to care for my inner energy, to nurture my soul and help my spirit grow. Finding balance in an ever changing and incredibly fast paced world is never easy. I’m up for the challenge, today anyway ☺
Love,
Byrd
Its been an incredibly difficult couple of years. I went through such an emotional rollercoaster that I’ve decided it’s time to shift the focus back to me and nurturing my soul.
Writing calms me and I always feel better after writing a poem or song.
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to walk away
I never meant to hold on so damn tight that you’d feel the pain
I never meant to kiss you or draw you in
I only ever wanted was best for you no one was supposed to win
I’d like to give you a good reason
I’d like to say it was the best for you
I’d like to say that I fell in love with you the day we met, but hunny that isn’t even true
It’s kinda hard to explain though
Its like a blow to my ego
If i try really hard maybe something will give but you know I’m not counting on it
So if you’ll please excuse me
And don’t watch me walk away
I held on longer than any other person could have and now its time to be brave
I’m making some changes!
Love, Byrd
Sorry for all the posts! I didn’t realize I had so many untitled and unfinished blog posts just sitting there. I’ve been redirected again in this fragile glass pickle jar we live in! So, even though those posts aren’t actually ‘done and or maybe not even blog worthy, they are me and what I was experiencing at that time. There is so much more to write. So much more to elaborate on and share with the universe. I’ll be back soon
Love,
Byrd xo
On June 26th 2018 my boyfriend was rushed to Mackenzie health hospital. After a quick CT scan and diagnosis it had been discovered that he had an aneurysm which unfortunately caused a stroke. It was surreal because he was still quite lucid although his brain was still bleeding at the time he was immediately transferred to St Mikes to begin the process of draining the blood and spinal fluid and relieving some pressure in his brain. It took two attempts to drain it because of an infection and several other health issues that delayed him healing quickly he eventually was released after approximately three and a half weeks and sent to Toronto rehab where he continued to progress and heal. It was a lot of rehab and bouncing around from one facility to the next.
This story continues…
I don’t wanna be sad though
I don’t want to watch you go
But it’s funny how all these dreams come true
Then the worst of life is taken out on you
I don’t wanna just stand here
And watch years go by
If you believe that you tried dear
Then whyd you have to lie
It was all from the beginning
We didn’t have that much to bare
But as the days rolled by and sun went down
I just really didn’t care
I’ve always considered myself a homebody. I’m not a huge fan of large crowds. Typically, I would choose a movie over dinner with a friend to avoid direct conversation. I’m not socially awkward, (for the most part) but truthfully despise small talk. Tevan, on the other hand is a complete extrovert! He loves people and people generally love him. He’s always funny and fun to be around. He’s at his happiest dancing amongst his like minded brothers and sisters from the peace and love era.
His brain injury changed a lot of things, but he’s still the same guy inside. Me on the other hand have had no other choice but to step up and step out of my comfort zone. I’ve been learning as I go, pulling from the depths of my soul all things positive and light all while navigating this challenging time in our lives. After losing my job of almost 13 years I’ve come to realize the importance of self love. Of course my pain is still daily and I’ve just gone through a flare, but my come back took less time than many other flares I’ve had. My doctor put me back on a low dose of pragabalin. It has stopped the spasms almost completely although i still have hand and foot pain, but THAT I can deal with.
Beyond blessed!
My first 50 years has been incredibly full
Decade one:
learned how to walk, how to talk and form sentences. I learned that my first set of friends I would have would be my cousins and a couple of long time friends I cherish to this day! I learned the importance of family and the support that comes along with that. And I experienced tremendous loss and learned what grief is and how deeply loss affects life.
Decade two:
The youngest of 3, a child of widower whose life was also turned upside down, I learned to fend for myself. I learned about loss of innocence. I learned about second marriages and step parents and blended families. By the time I was 17/18 I yearned for more independence and followed a boy out to Kitchener for my first of MANY moves in this decade. I found out what it was I was really longing for and began this arduous journey of finding a ‘home’.
Decade three:
My twenties were something to be reckoned with indeed. It was a wealth of adventure and promise. My journey of finding a home was in full swing. I married and divorced, I bought and sold my first house. I worked hard and sometimes I didn’t work hard enough, but ALWAYS moving towards my goal of finding a ‘home’
Decade four:
My thirties found me starting over, a few times actually. I learned about true heart ache and sacrifice and how not much could actually stop me from attaining what I wanted, alone. I craved a place that I knew existed, but where was it and how do I get there?
Decade five:
What a whirlwind of information and learning. When you’re a teenager and think you know everything there is to know and all of a sudden the forties slap you in the face and wake you up! I learned confidence and compassion and how to to hold myself accountable for the outcome of what my life was going to become. I learned friendship and forgiveness and I found true love and another family. I have given till I had no more to give and I am learning to receive because that is what truly brings balance. I’ve learned how fragile life can be, how fleeting and how cruel, but also that love and compassion and will conquer all. And finally I found home, a home I built with love and caring and nourishment and patience. It wasn’t a place or thing I needed, it was inside me this whole time and I only needed to recognize it and embrace it. Home really is wherever your heart is and mine is right here.
The next 50 years…
I expect more family gatherings, more happiness and sunshine and rainbows and dancing and love. And more gratefulness and appreciation for each day and when the sad days come because they inevitably do, you’ll be there for me and I’ll be there for you.
So thank you everyone for taking the time to acknowledge this giant birthday and if I could I hug each of personally…well… chances are we’d spread some germs so thankfully that won’t happen!
Much love ❤
I used to think that love was everything
And time would heal my pain
But as you age you learn the truth
And all that is will still remain
More to life than
I’ve always thought there was something more, more to life than this. Perhaps when I was just a girl I dreamed of only bliss. With narrowed mind, shy and kind I wandered off in my own mind
To those who love it
Have a blast
To those who don’t
The night won’t last
To those who celebrate
Please be safe
To those alone
YOU are great
If you raise a glass
And make a toast
Enjoy your night
You’re a gracious host
If you’re sitting alone
And honestly don’t care
In your jammies and messy hair
To everyone both near and far
I hold you all dear to my heart
and so, there it is a decade gone
I wish you love and light beyond
May peace and blessings hold you near
With sweet rewards throughout the year
Happy 2020 (only January 1 and already exhausted)
Love Byrd
My Fibro Life (fibromyalgia) 